


I Have Poured My Heart Out (And Now I Am Empty)

by MadamePresident2032



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: 3x16 fic, Alec Lightwood Feels, Angst, Feels, Insecure Alec Lightwood, M/M, My First Fanfic, Title from a Ranata Suzuki quote
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-29
Updated: 2019-03-29
Packaged: 2019-12-26 03:34:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 978
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18274928
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MadamePresident2032/pseuds/MadamePresident2032
Summary: Alec was alone, the low beeping of the monitors serving as a constant reminder that the love of his life was in need of saving but was just beyond his reach.“Cat said you might be able to hear me.”





	I Have Poured My Heart Out (And Now I Am Empty)

Alec sighed after realizing that he was alone with Magnus. The day had been filled with his friends and family drifting in and out of the infirmary checking in on him and Magnus. But now Alec was alone, the low beeping of the monitors serving as a constant reminder that the love of his life was in need of saving but was just beyond Alec’s reach.

“Cat said you might be able to hear me.” Alec said as he grabbed Magnus’ still hands; the sparks of magic that Alec had grown used to were once again dulled to non-existence. “She said I should try talking to you, that it might help. I don’t know if she meant me or you.”

Alec let out another frustrated sigh. These past few days had been absolutely miserable, and he was so tired of pretending to be okay. He knew he wasn’t fooling anyone, but the thought of admitting to his feelings and allowing himself to be vulnerable in front of the people he loved was simply too much. He was meant to be the leader, the big brother, the person who held everyone together.

But there wasn’t anyone else here right now, and Alec had always felt comfortable being himself around Magnus. “Madzie has been visiting you every day. She insists that you need your nails to be painted a different color each day because that is what you do when you are awake.” Alec could not stop the small smile tugging at his lips. “In case you were wondering they are currently the most disgusting shade of yellow I have ever seen, but I couldn’t bring myself to tell that to Madz.”

Alec caught himself waiting for the typical Magnus response that Madzie had Alec wrapped around her finger, but the quip never came and Alec had to keep talking to prevent the melancholy from taking over again. “She was just so proud of herself, and she said that maybe if your nails were a happy color you might wake up faster. And honestly, who am I to question that logic? It’s not like I am coming up with any better solutions.”

A familiar and unwelcome weight fell into Alec’s chest. Alec slammed his eyelids down in an attempt to fight off the burning tears that were about to spill over. “By the angel I feel so useless!” Alec yelled as he slammed his fist down onto the armrest of the crappy chair he had occupied over the last few days.

A sudden realization hit him, and now he felt like a complete idiot. “Is this how you felt when I used the bond to track Jace?” Alec asked. Now it wasn’t just desperation and anxiety taking residence in Alec’s heart, a fresh wave of guilt had just moved in. “I’m so sorry.” Alec whispered and kissed the hand he was holding. “I’m so sorry.”

The battle Alec had been fighting with his emotions finally came to an end, and Alec had lost. A guttural sob escaped the Shadowhunter’s lips at the same time a hoard of tears broke through his clinched eyes. The gates Alec had been so desperately trying to keep shut were open and the only solace Alec could take in this was that only Magnus was bearing witness to his break down, and Alec didn’t know if lying there unconscious even counted as witnessing anything.

“I need you to come back to me.” Alec choked out. “I need you to use that inner strength of yours and fight right now.” Alec’s gaze moved from the sickening yellow nail polish to Magnus’ worn and beautiful face. “I know that this isn’t fair, and I am being selfish,” at the admission Alec sniffed up some mucus that escaped his nostril but could not find it in himself to disgusted at the moment. “I am selfish, and I don’t care. I need you Magnus. I meant what I said, I can’t,” Alec paused to collect his breathing that had picked up exponentially during his confession, “I can’t live without you.”

The loving sentiment that had brought the two back together after their brief separation was now a tragic reality that Alec could not bear to face. “I know that you were miserable without your magic. I know that you felt like you didn’t matter, but please please please don’t leave me. I can’t keep doing this!” Alec used his hands to violent wipe away the tears that had started to fall again.

“And I know it is my fault!” Alec slammed his elbows down against his thighs, hands still firmly pressed against his eyes. “I should have never let you go to Edom. I should have found another way, but I didn’t, and I can’t take any of that back now. I’m so so sorry Magnus. I’m so sorry.” Alec’s shoulders were shaking with sobs and he began to dig his nails into the skin surrounding his eye brows. The self-inflicted pain felt like penance for his mistakes.

Alec knew Magnus hated it when he did stuff like this, but at the moment even with Magnus in the room he wasn’t actually there, which meant Alec didn’t feel too much guilt in indulging in his coping mechanism.

“I know I don’t deserve you, but I love you so much.” Alec reached out one of his hands and ran it through Magnus’ hair. It needed to be washed, but Alec didn’t mind the grease. “If you come back to me, I promise I will spend whatever time we have left making up for every mistake I’ve ever made.”  
Alec pulled his hand away from Magnus’ head and sat quietly again, waiting for some kind of change. Minutes passed but the stillness and steady beeping continued.

“Please,” a trembling whimper fell from Alec’s mouth. “I’m begging you Magnus, just come home.”

**Author's Note:**

> If you liked this follow me on tumblr at: https://www.tumblr.com/blog/madame-president2032


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